I AM NOT MYSELF TODAY. I FEEL SO PISSED(not with anyone)


My parents just lectured me AGAIN. I feel as if I can't seem to do anything. Everything looks like it is not right, not the way I expected it to be. Maybe God wants me to change, He wants a different lifestyle for me. I need an attitude adjustment. There is something deep down inside me that doesn't want to come out. I feel so trapped, so insecure, so not myself.

Sometimes when I am blogging, I can cry when typing on the keyboard. All those unpleasant happenings, every little memory, each single moment of happiness, are all stuck inside my head. Happy stuff, it is possible for me to forget it. Not happy stuff, it so happens that I can recall and imagine myself during that point of unhappiness. It is SO hard to throw away all bad things. It is so easy to forget good things. I don't like the feeling of being hated. Especially by someone that had once loved you the most.

What a thing can love be. Being loved just feels so nice, so...

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 7:34 PM

my blog is so dead.

havent been updating. as eshyen wants to read my blog, i shall post abt what happened yesterday and today.

yesterday.. hmm.. had school then trng.. i think serene went crazy yesterday. she kept on laughing until she had to swim breaststroke with such loud breathing sounds. Sherlynn and me were talking then we suddenly just heard someone breathing so loudly. In the end it was serene(as expected). she has the weirdiest and funniest laughter of all. If she starts laughing, all of us would just start laughing too. haha. we kinda crazy too. then after that was the free set. 16 by 100. i HATE 100s. i can end up doing 1600m instead of 16 by 100. Which means i just do the whole set without stopping for a break. As usual, it was on 1.30, and i could only have at most 5 to 8 seconds break. But still, at least i could stop for a while. After the whole thing, jiao lian asked serene to do an extra one. Serene replied her,"WHY?!" Then jiao lian started following her,"WHY?!(Y) WHY?(Y)" As jiao lian is from china, she couldnt say it properly. And everyone started laughing their heads off, including me. It was really funny the way she said it. haha. :)

AT THE HOSPITAL

I went to the hospital for my bcak check-up. First, i went to register and i got a queue number. Then they asked me to go and take height and weight. I SHRUNK! My height became 163.5 instead of 165. URGH. How can that happen? I WILL NEVER TELL YOU MY WEIGHT. HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL. haha. After that, i went to check my back. It improved but i still had to go for an x-ray. After taking the x-ray, i went back to the doctor. GUESS WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID. She said that i have reached full maturity and would not grow anymore. So this will be my height for the future. And i dont think i would change.

TODAY

I thought what i did in the past. Now i really regret it. Why did i like ahem ahem? I was really stoopid and foolish. Cant believe i actually had such feelings. Now, i am still trying to forget abt him, almost done with it. Just a few more weeks, and i would totally forget abt him.
Claire went crazy today. Claire, Fiona, EShyen and me were laughing like mad ppl during recess. We took the long way to get back to our class since there was abt 20 minutes left. We talked a whole load a crap and even more crap.
My event for school nats is before 1500m free and 400im!! i'll have to wait like 1 hour before my event. Watching 1500m free can make me fall alseep. SO LONG. URGH!

i feel like...

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 9:33 PM

THIS IS CRAZY.

school is officially starting tmrw. i dont know what am i gonna do. first day of school and i have history lesson. i am going to fall asleep for sure during history. well, that is what always happens to me whenever the lessons are super boring. but sometimes, u cant afford to.

9 MORE DAYS TO INTERSCHOOL

i am super scared. i trained for only two weeks!! u know that is super short to train for a major major competition? URGH. i dont know what am i gonna do!! i am swimming in the same heats as CHRISELLE KOH for 200im. she is SUPER fast. and i am gonna die for 200 free. i changed stroke- from breaststroke to im(i think). i cant improve my breaststroke anymore so i decided to change for some reason. its kinda boring doing the same stroke since the beginning of p4 till the end of p6. that's like 2 years doing the same stroke! gosh, i cant imagine. i still like my last year's JAG 200 breaststroke the best. i got 4th fot that. hehe. made it to B timing. and selena tan won me by just 2 SECONDS. i could have gotten third. i didnt sprint at the end. selena tan did. unfortunately, i cant go back to my old self.

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 4:41 PM

SCHOOL IS STARTING SOON. AND SCHOOL NATS IS DRAWING NEARER AND NEARER(swimming).

this totally sucks. im swimming 200 im and 200 free and my stamina is like so bad. i trained for only two weeks!! and the last week is tapering. shucks. this is so screwed. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUTH!! i know it is kinda late for me to tell ruth this. i realised it was her birthday from friendster only. yah im outdated. I CANT GO SQUASH TRNG THIS WHOLE WEEK!! gotta train for swimming. hope i can do my pb(IM= 2.58, FREE=2.34) well, that was like last year. so i dont think i can do it. unless there is a miracle. i do believe in miracles actually, even though there's no miracle happening to me(im not that lucky). KEEPING UP WITH THE WORLD CUP IS SO STRESSFUL. so many teams. i can only recognise england players. haha. maybe i have been watching too much of ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE. that's why im super blurr when it comes to other players.

okay. church tmrw. im skipping centralised trng for church. IT IS WORTH IT. i dont wanna see my coach's horrible face.

TELL THE WORLD THAT JESUS LIVES!<3

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 10:09 PM

heyhey.. i think you ppl out there must highlight the words to see what im typing here. im sorry for that.
okay! school is starting really soon. i dont wanna go back. it gives me a lot of stress. especially the tests and homework.
i think im quitting swimming after interschool. not sure abt that yet. i dragged this quitting thing for quite sometime alr. so maybe its the right time for me to talk abt it again? i dont really know.
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED DURING TRAINING YESTERDAY:
MY RACKET CRACKED!! hehe. i wont tell you the whole entire thing. its quite a pain to the eye.
hmm... what is happening today? let me see. i got swimming trng in the aft(dont wanna go). i need to finish my hw by thurs!! i got 2 projects to do and a whole set of math ws. but the math ws is a waste of time as the answers are on the net. so im just gonna copy and paste. thats the typical me. haha.
INTERSCHOOL IS COMING SOON!! in abt like 2 weeks, im competing against all the super duper fast ppl. i dont think i would get into the finals. got so many national swimmers competing and sec1s are competing with the sec2s so it is really unfair.
I guess there is nth left to say?

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 11:40 AM

ok.. this is my new blogskin. it looks kinda weird. shucks. school nats is coming really soon. i dont wanna swim. i havent been trng!! its like i started trng only this week. i feel so slack!! and jiao lian is so mean!! during 20*50 comp 25fast,25slow, i had to do 20*50 ALL FAST. its like so darn tiring and i look so stupid in front of everyone. everybody else is like going super slow after 25 and i am still trying my best to move forward. everyone else isnt panting while i was. everytime when everyone is going slow, i have to sprint like crazy. urgh. its just so unfair.

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 3:27 PM

this is my new blog skin. hope you can bear with me for this period of time coz i still need to adjust the picture that im supposed to put on the top. ok?

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 8:40 PM

this is crazy.
my fever has gone up to 39.5 degrees. i dont think i can go to the CCMC church camp. i'm like taking so long to recover. what's wrong with me?

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 11:15 AM

omg
I'm running a 38.6 degree fever. I feel so hot now(temperature). Worse still, I still have to go for CCMC church camp. Hope I can recover soon. I feel so sick. DARN IT.
You know what this means? I can't go trng tmrw. And i have to take Elena's watch from hilton. Yeah, she left it there(so forgetful). If I don't go, that means she will have to wait till next year.
Okay, my mum is now nagging at me. Better not make her angry again. When she found out that I'm sick, she started lecturing me. Urgh!! I dont have pics from the MILO all star squash competition. Can someone pls send me?

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 5:35 PM

MILO ALL- STAR COMPETITION

yay!! im finally back!! i miss my bed. well, the trip was very very fun. except for bernice coming over to me, choex and wanning's room to sleep. i had to share a bed with her. it was extremely squeezy.
the day after we reached pj, i knew my line up, i was playing against some hongkonger called carmen lee. she is just super pro. i got thrashed 3-0.. haha. and most of us watched the anchovie show. damn funny. its like there is this pizza restaurant, if you ask for extra anchovies when u are ordering for pizza(through the phone), you will get ENTERTAINED(that's if you are a girl). super funny. during the show, there was this guy who went to deliver pizza to a hotel(the women who ordered asked for extra anchovies). when he got into the hotel, he found out that the women was his mother!! so damn funny! then he sneaked into the toilet and he locked the toilet door. there was a window and wanted to escape. he looked out of the window(he was very scared to jump down) and he saw a little girl with a super duper big float. then he asked the girl to move the "trampoline" over. but then, he was kinda too fat to go through the window. So he landed not quite smoothly.. haha. he is REALLY very PATHETIC. all of us was laughing damn loudly, especially bern.
The next day, i found out that i'm playing the rgs c'div top player, who is mabel li. i heard from hannah that she thrashed fel and she is super good. i was kinda scared. but luckily, i managed to get a few points out of her. But she still won me(9-0, 9-6, 9-2). so sad.. then, after the game, AHEM AHEM went to tell me that im growing fat. So many ppl alr told me that i'm getting fat. why must she add onto it?? I got super pissed. Not because of her telling me that i'm getting fat, because she is telling me the same thing i hear EVERYDAY. So super pissed.
damn it, got so many things happening. this is the best one.
That night, we had a "bonding session" with all the seniors. pammy, choeE, jing, yiling, bern, fel, hannah and gloria all went to choeX, wanning and my room. we talked and talked. then suddenly, elena called me. she said that she has something VERY VERY important to annouce to everyone. then i asked her to come to my room. you know what she said? she said that she received a phone call(from the guys). The guys were asking what's their name and all the crap. Then, there was background voices. They were like saying," Woah! She is damn hot! What room is RUTH in?" Then everyone in the room was cheering. RUTH was very embarrassed and she hid herself under a pillow. haha. oh ya. ZHIJING kept on saying "chicken" during the whole trip. its really annoying.
Then a few days later, bern and fel got a phone call from the guys at like around 4am. They were looking for RUTH(who is also choeE) again. fel told me that both bern and her talked to them for nearly half an hour. They were actually crapping for that long.
ok. i shall not tell anymore. gotta do hw. I HATE HOMEWORK. and i apologise to everyone for the fact that i dont have any pics to show. coz i wasnt allowed to bring a cam.

{/PERHAPS LOVE <3 ;
;DD 4:21 PM